The One Where Emzy Didn't Have Anthrax

If you've ever had the pleasure of meeting her, you know good and well that my beloved sister Emzy tends to live life on the dramatic side. For instance, she recently developed a seasonal cough that I attribute to humidity and changing seasons. But of course, she insisted that she has the beginning of tuberculosis. I am sure this is because we discussed the various avenues of TB testing today at breakfast (you know, the little six-needled stamp vs. the sub-epidermal bubble).

The proclamation of her impending doom reminded me of a conversation she and I had about this time last year. It was in the middle of the media hype over the swine...I mean H1N1...flu epidemic. I was Google-Chatting her from work back in Indiana and it went something like this:

Me: So, Em, with all this talk on the news I keep waiting for you to call me and tell me you have the swine.

Emzy: lol...any day now, I'm sure!

Me: You know, just like you had West Nile, and the bird flu, and SARS, and Anthrax

Emzy: Hey, I never had Anthrax!

The One Where Emzy Learned about Physics

We were moving from Fairbanks, Alaska to Fort Campbell, Kentucky in the summer of 1996. We had driven down into Canada and back into Alaska to catch a ferry to Bellingham, Washington (a pretty cool town, btw). Anyway, the details might be hazy on this one but I assure you the hilarity is not.

We had checked in and were waiting to board the ship. They had a pretty spacious terminal with televisions all tuned to the same channel. This was during the beginning of the GameBoy craze so Emzy and I were not so interested in what was on TV. We were sitting towards the back of the terminal and almost everyone else in the place was mesmerized by the flashing colors on the tube.

But more to the point. Both Emzy and I were sitting on a bench. One of those where there are four or five chairs but all attached to a single base. I was sitting normally on a chair on one end and Emzy was sitting sideways on the other end with her feet up across several chairs. After a while I guess I got bored with sitting in the chair so I stretched out on the floor. Everything was A-okay for a few minutes until Emzy shifted her weight a little bit.

And I wish I had words to describe what happened next. Basically, it was like how if you have a bunch of people sitting at a picnic table and everyone on one side gets up. Especially if on even a bit of a hill, the whole thing tips up and everyone falls off the back. That's exactly what happened. Except it was just Emzy on a bench. And I swear that thing must have gone five feet in the air. It slammed back down and she was on the floor.

My parents and I cracked up laughing but seeing as though Emzy had just turned 15 and was at that stage where she would rather be invisible, she was absolutely mortified. There was a group of hippy hikers sitting near us and said that that kind of stuff happens to them all the time. Really? And to this day, whenever I have to sit on one of those benches, I laugh inside and quietly choose a middle seat.

The One Where Emzy Got Rugburn

This one cracks me up just thinking about it. It was just last weekend so it's still fresh in my memory, even though it's not a very long story. Emzy was talking on the phone in her apartment, which has THEWORSTCELLPHONESERVICEEVER!

So naturally, she went out to the balcony where the reception is exponentially better. Apparently her apartment building has some sort of built-in protection from the aliens who want to siphon your brain waves. And when it was built in the 1970s, the idea of cell phones was so ridiculous that nobody thought twice about future implications. At least that's my theory.

Anyway, since Emzy is moving all her stuff into storage for the summer her balcony furniture had already been taken away. All that was left out there was one of those giant exercise balls that you're supposed to use to improve your posture and work your abs harder. And since this was a lengthy phone conversation, it made complete sense for her to sit on the ball.

But let's recall for a moment that she is not the most coordinated of gals. For a few seconds, it was smooth sailing. I was sitting on the couch with our friend Andrew and out of the corner of my eye I see disaster striking.

NOT ONLY does she fall off the ball, she manages this epic flip and roll thing that lands [no pun intended] her flat on her back, not sure if she should laugh or cry. But laugh she does. Which is good cause it was hilarious. I don't think I've seen a fall that intense since Keri Strugg in 1996.

But still, the best is yet to come. Because she just goes on about her phone conversation like nothing is amiss. And when she was done jabbering, she came back inside to show us her battle scar....rugburn to the knee. It's pretty sexy. And still hilarious.

The One Where Emzy the Pirate Fell with her Chair

I feel that I really must explain the picture I chose to be the heading block for this blog. This whole incident was kind of a turning point in my realization that nothing that happens while Emzy is around is even close to normal. First of all, she's a bit of a klutz and she falls and/or randomly injures herself a lot. But Emzy falls are anything but quick incidents. They usually turn into several-minutes-long situations that leave everyone in fits of hysterical laughter so bad they occasionally lose control of bodily functions.

So let me give the back story on the photo. One year at camp (camp is Emzy's full time job, and was my summer job for six years), there was a pirate-themed banquet at the end of one of the sessions. We got seriously into the theme.

As you can see by this photo of Emzy with Darren, the Sports & Games guy, everybody kind of went to extremes with drawn-on tattoos, mascara-painted facial hair, and ripping of their clothes. It was pretty sweet!

Anyway, while the festivities were winding down, I was in my office with one of my assistants and his fiance writing refund checks to all the campers for their unused spending money. We heard the front door of the office open and a few seconds later we heard this loud crash followed by Emzy saying, "Guys?.......Guys?.......Can I get a little help here?"

So we go in to her office and see exactly what you see in the photo at the top of the page. So of course we crack up and grab a camera before helping her up. But the helping her up was the funniest part. See, if anyone else had tipped over in his or her chair, it would have been no problem just to stand up.

But remember, we're talking about Emzy here. And she is the exception to every rule. Not only did she fall with her chair, she managed to get the chair stuck between the mini fridge where we stashed cokes and chocolate and the desk's tabletop. It took us about five minutes just to figure out how to get her unstuck and we still to this day have no idea how she actually got stuck in the first place.

But hopefully now you see what I mean when I say normal things don't happen when Emzy is involved.

The One Where Emzy Got a Baby Sister

For a little over three years, Emily Jane went happily about her daily life. She lived in Newmarket, England - just outside Cambridge. She was the product of two doting parents and, as far as the lives of toddlers go, she was pretty much set.

When she found out she was getting a baby brother or sister, it really didn't phase her that much. Her only request was to have a black baby boy like the black next door neighbors just brought home. She didn't understand that it wasn't exactly possible since neither her mother or father were black. Her grandparents from the USA sent her a black baby doll to help with the situation. See? She really was set...she got whatever she wanted.

And then I was born. Eight pounds, fourteen ounces of squishy pink baby girl and a head full of dark brown hair. Not exactly what she wanted, but I would just have to do.

[circa 1985...can't you see the disappointment with my girly whiteness in her face?]

And so began the past 26 years of being a big sister.

During this time we have been best friends and bitter enemies. We've laughed more than we've cried. We've been each other's cheerleader and we've cut each other so deep, the way only sisters can. But we've managed to survive growing up together and our lives remain intertwined. So much so that rarely does an hour pass by when we aren't communicating in some way.

I know I'm not the baby sister she wanted. But I'm the one she got. And if I've learned one thing from our years together, it's that nobody is safe when she's around. You see, no matter how remotely involved she is in a situation, something absolutely ridiculously random, awkward, funny, or outrageous is bound to happen. So I feel it is only fair that I repay her for all the "dirt and dandelion soup" she fed me as a kid by sharing those situations with the world.

I hope you enjoy reading about my Life with Emzy.