The One Where Emzy Found a Dead Body

So Emzy has called Baltimore home for just about five years now. For anyone who has spent time dwelling in a city, you know that highly concentrated population leads to ridiculous happenings. There's no getting around that. And while Baltimore certainly is no Gary, Indiana, it's not exactly the safest place. Which makes what I'm about to tell you a little more understandable.

See, Emzy and Kathy (co-worker and former roommate), were heading to downtown Baltimore via St. Paul Street (if you're familiar). As they were bouncing along - if you've ever driven in Baltimore City, you know that bouncing is the correct term - they notice a head poking out from between two cars parked on the side of the road.

A HUMAN HEAD.

They, being CPR/First Aid trained, of course pull over immediately and call 911. It appeared they had come across a boy approximately 13-15 years old, hair in corn rows, and baggy clothes. But as they got closer they realized it was a middle-aged woman. They tapped her shoulder several times to see if she was responsive. Kathy had her pocket CPR mask on hand (never leave home without it!) but thankfully didn't have to use it. The lady woke up and told them she had been hit by a car.

HIT BY A CAR AND LEFT TO DIE?!?!?!

She was mumbling and trying to get up to stumble around while they are trying to get her to stay down and not move. Upon being told that help was on the way, the lady assured them that her mother was on the way to get her and, "Oh look there she is now." To which they responded by telling her that it wasn't her mother she saw, it was her reflection in the window of a parked car.

And just when you think it doesn't get any more ridiculous, a guy gets out of his car and tells Emzy and Kathy that he's glad they stopped. He didn't want to be the first one to get out of his car since it was kind of a sketchy neighborhood. Really right now? When I eventually lose my mind, remind me not to do it on St. Paul Street!

But still, the best is yet to come. Because when the ambulance did arrive, the paramedics were not surprised by what they found. It went something along the lines of, "Oh hey Anita, how are you today?" And then to Emzy and Kathy, "We got this, you can go."

Stuff like this does not happen unless Emzy is involved. I swear.

The One Where Emzy "Went Skiing"

Way back in the day, we lived in Alaska. Right near Fairbanks, to be exact. Beautiful summers and amazing winters. Perfect for skiing. Well, perfect for skiing for everyone EXCEPT dear old (emphasis on the old) Emzy.

See, I joined the cross country ski club in the fourth grade. Saved my money to buy my very own set of skis that I lugged on the school bus every Tuesday and Thursday. Started downhill skiing with Dad in the fifth grade. That ended badly in the spring of sixth grade with an incident that involved and idiot girl and a tree. But that's another story for my own blog, not for the one devoted solely to the ridiculosity of Emzy's life.

Somehow we managed to talk Emzy into giving cross country skiing the old college try. But since we only had one set of teenage sized skis, I waited at the lodge while she and Dad took off for a quick spin on the "warm up loop" of Birch Ski Hill. And, mind you, the warm up loop begins with a slight downhill followed by some pretty level ground. I would know. I skied it several times each week.

I watched as the two of them headed off to the opening of the warm up loop and then went inside the lodge to sit and wait. The place was deserted. I was the only one there. It wasn't your typical ski lodge with a coffee bar and pro shop. Just a log cabin with benches and a bar where the ski moms would serve cookies and home made hot chocolate. I distinctly remember the emptiness of the lodge because I had a chocolate power bar in the front pocket of my pullover pink and black speckled ski jacket. (Don't judge.) I pulled the power bar out of the pocket not long after they left for the loop and took a bite. Rather, I tried to take a bite. It was already frozen solid. And I remember being glad that there was nobody else around to see me being awkwardly hungry.

I wrapped the power bar back up, put it back in the pocket, and went to sit on the bench outside. And as I looked across the open field (do you call it a field when it's covered in snow?) I saw Emzy walking back, carrying the skis. When she made it back to me she said, "I knew I was going to fall! And you guys told me there were no hills. And that was steep at the very beginning!" She gave me the skis and sat down to wait while Dad and I went about our business on the hill.

When I caught back up to Dad, he proceeded to tell me what had actually transpired. As he tried to explain to her how to go slowly downhill by pointing the toes of the skis together, she started off and went about four feet before stopping and basically laying down in the snow. Or, falling, as she swore up and down that she did.

I realize that this is not one of the funniest stories of all time, but this was the beginning of the Epic Falls of Emzy. Even though she brought this one on herself. She had it so set in her mind that she was going to fall, she made sure she did. Oh, Emzy. She never skied again. And still swears to this day that this "fall" dented her shin. That's right. DENTED her SHIN.