The One Where Emzy Sliced the Mangoes

Today I hosted a Pampered Chef party. We had a fabulous time and ate a lot of delicious food. I spent last night and the majority of this morning prepping the food. Which I absolutely love doing. It's kind of my secret (not anymore) life dream to be a caterer. But one thing I'm not so good at is cutting up mangoes. They are just super tricky.

And since I don't eat a whole lot of mango, I'm not so skilled in them. Emzy, on the other hand, L-O-V-E-S mango. So she is quickly becoming a professional mango slicer. Knowing that she had to take an online test today for the anatomy class she is taking, I didn't want to ask her to do a whole lot. So the only food-related thing I asked her to do was slice mangoes.

She got out of the shower and was wandering around in her towel. I reminded her that I really needed her to slice the mangoes. She asked if she had to be dressed to do so and I responded with the sentiment that it didn't make a difference to me what she was wearing as long as she got them sliced so I could finish making the sweet lemon stuffed taquitos.

I guess she decided that it was a good idea to go ahead and slice them before getting dressed. She was moving along nicely and I decided to take a quick sit-down break until she was finished. As I was sitting in the living room with Garrett, we hear, "crap crap crap!" followed by, "don't come in the kitchen!" This made Garrett sneak a peek into the kitchen only to realize that her towel had fallen to the floor.

Awkward.

But it gets better. Because after the mango was sliced, she was still wandering around in her towel. Mostly because she was in the midst of telling a story. And then I hear Garrett say, "Emily, towel. TOWEL!" Yep, you guessed it. She was flashing her nether regions to the world. But luckily at that moment the world only consisted of me and Garrett. Needless to say she went and got dressed quick, fast, and in a hurry!

The One Where Emzy Made French Bread

As if freshman year of high school isn't painfully awkward enough already.

If you know Emzy today, you would probably never believe what I am about to tell you. She started learning French in the seventh grade and by high school was well on her way to being a fluent speaker. By the end of her junior year she had developed quite a talent for the language, but if you ask her she'll never admit. Just like she will never let on that she was a very adept flutist at one point in life.

But I digress.

As a freshman, Emzy was already in French II. Which is cool from a proud little sister's perspective. But from where she sat, she was the only freshman in a class full of sophomores, juniors, and seniors. And when it came time for a group project, I think she was equal parts excited and terrified. You see, Emzy is one of those people who is happiest breezing through life unnoticed by others. She prefers to go about her business without drawing attention to herself. And she is still embarrassed if my voice and laughter get a little on the loud side in public.

The class project was to work together to make a traditional French meal, share it with the class, and talk about it in class. In French, obviously. I don't really know what the other kids in her group made, but Emzy was tasked with making French bread. She was standing with her group in front of the class, having memorized her lines and waiting her turn to speak.

It is this point in the story when I wish I had also been a student in the class. The presentation was going along smoothly. The other students were occasionally stumbling over their words, I'm sure. And all of a sudden it starts raining French bread. Because Emzy was standing there, nervous as hell, and next thing she knows, she's on the floor and there are pieces of bread EVERYWHERE.

Like I said....as if freshman year isn't awkward enough already.

The One Where Emzy Found a Dead Body

So Emzy has called Baltimore home for just about five years now. For anyone who has spent time dwelling in a city, you know that highly concentrated population leads to ridiculous happenings. There's no getting around that. And while Baltimore certainly is no Gary, Indiana, it's not exactly the safest place. Which makes what I'm about to tell you a little more understandable.

See, Emzy and Kathy (co-worker and former roommate), were heading to downtown Baltimore via St. Paul Street (if you're familiar). As they were bouncing along - if you've ever driven in Baltimore City, you know that bouncing is the correct term - they notice a head poking out from between two cars parked on the side of the road.

A HUMAN HEAD.

They, being CPR/First Aid trained, of course pull over immediately and call 911. It appeared they had come across a boy approximately 13-15 years old, hair in corn rows, and baggy clothes. But as they got closer they realized it was a middle-aged woman. They tapped her shoulder several times to see if she was responsive. Kathy had her pocket CPR mask on hand (never leave home without it!) but thankfully didn't have to use it. The lady woke up and told them she had been hit by a car.

HIT BY A CAR AND LEFT TO DIE?!?!?!

She was mumbling and trying to get up to stumble around while they are trying to get her to stay down and not move. Upon being told that help was on the way, the lady assured them that her mother was on the way to get her and, "Oh look there she is now." To which they responded by telling her that it wasn't her mother she saw, it was her reflection in the window of a parked car.

And just when you think it doesn't get any more ridiculous, a guy gets out of his car and tells Emzy and Kathy that he's glad they stopped. He didn't want to be the first one to get out of his car since it was kind of a sketchy neighborhood. Really right now? When I eventually lose my mind, remind me not to do it on St. Paul Street!

But still, the best is yet to come. Because when the ambulance did arrive, the paramedics were not surprised by what they found. It went something along the lines of, "Oh hey Anita, how are you today?" And then to Emzy and Kathy, "We got this, you can go."

Stuff like this does not happen unless Emzy is involved. I swear.

The One Where Emzy "Went Skiing"

Way back in the day, we lived in Alaska. Right near Fairbanks, to be exact. Beautiful summers and amazing winters. Perfect for skiing. Well, perfect for skiing for everyone EXCEPT dear old (emphasis on the old) Emzy.

See, I joined the cross country ski club in the fourth grade. Saved my money to buy my very own set of skis that I lugged on the school bus every Tuesday and Thursday. Started downhill skiing with Dad in the fifth grade. That ended badly in the spring of sixth grade with an incident that involved and idiot girl and a tree. But that's another story for my own blog, not for the one devoted solely to the ridiculosity of Emzy's life.

Somehow we managed to talk Emzy into giving cross country skiing the old college try. But since we only had one set of teenage sized skis, I waited at the lodge while she and Dad took off for a quick spin on the "warm up loop" of Birch Ski Hill. And, mind you, the warm up loop begins with a slight downhill followed by some pretty level ground. I would know. I skied it several times each week.

I watched as the two of them headed off to the opening of the warm up loop and then went inside the lodge to sit and wait. The place was deserted. I was the only one there. It wasn't your typical ski lodge with a coffee bar and pro shop. Just a log cabin with benches and a bar where the ski moms would serve cookies and home made hot chocolate. I distinctly remember the emptiness of the lodge because I had a chocolate power bar in the front pocket of my pullover pink and black speckled ski jacket. (Don't judge.) I pulled the power bar out of the pocket not long after they left for the loop and took a bite. Rather, I tried to take a bite. It was already frozen solid. And I remember being glad that there was nobody else around to see me being awkwardly hungry.

I wrapped the power bar back up, put it back in the pocket, and went to sit on the bench outside. And as I looked across the open field (do you call it a field when it's covered in snow?) I saw Emzy walking back, carrying the skis. When she made it back to me she said, "I knew I was going to fall! And you guys told me there were no hills. And that was steep at the very beginning!" She gave me the skis and sat down to wait while Dad and I went about our business on the hill.

When I caught back up to Dad, he proceeded to tell me what had actually transpired. As he tried to explain to her how to go slowly downhill by pointing the toes of the skis together, she started off and went about four feet before stopping and basically laying down in the snow. Or, falling, as she swore up and down that she did.

I realize that this is not one of the funniest stories of all time, but this was the beginning of the Epic Falls of Emzy. Even though she brought this one on herself. She had it so set in her mind that she was going to fall, she made sure she did. Oh, Emzy. She never skied again. And still swears to this day that this "fall" dented her shin. That's right. DENTED her SHIN.

The One Where Emzy Ordered Green Peppers

Even by Emzy standards, this one is pretty epic. And it's such a ridiculous string of events, it's hard to decide where to start. So I'll take my cue from Fräulein Maria and start at the very beginning, a very good place to start.

And as it turns out, the beginning involves Emzy (and a couple other staff) managing a major medical crisis with one of the staff members at camp....in the middle of the night. She and the others who were with her finally made it to bed around 4:30 this morning and still managed to roll into breakfast on time.

She and Andrew had already planned to take another staff member (who broke her wrist this past weekend) to the hospital today for surgery to set the broken bone. They had a few hours to kill while she was in surgery, so the headed to Chipotle for a sneaky Code 11 (that was the code name for a Chipotle run at camp last summer). I got a google talk message that said, "OMG - the dad from Jon & Kate Plus 8 is HERE!!!" Of course I didn't exactly believe her, but my skepticism was later alleviated when she posted this:

It's a bit dark, and from a bad angle, but it's cool. I wouldn't want to be creepin on the guy when he was trying to enjoy his delicious burrito. And if that wasn't a random enough happening for the day, they met some new friends on the way back to the hospital. But not the way anyone else meets friends...

Driving down the street with their walkie talkies from camp hanging out in the cupholder, they started hearing some static. And the conversation went something like this:

Girl: Order one case of red pepper and one case of yellow pepper

Guy: Okay

Emzy: And a case of green peppers

Guy: What?

Emzy: Also order a case of green peppers
Guy: okay a case of red, yellow, and green peppers?

Girl: What?

Emzy: And a case of apples

Guy: What is going on? That's weird

Emzy: What's so weird about green peppers and apples?

Girl: Who is this?

Emzy: It's Emily

Girl: Hi Emily. Where are you?

Emzy: In the car, driving down the road. We heard you on our walkie talkies and thought I'd say hi

Girl: Oh cool! We always pick up other peoples' signals but nobody has ever said hi

Emzy: Where are you?

Girl: DSW. You should come in and say hi

Emzy: Maybe I will next time I'm there. What's your name?

Girl: Cory - I'm the store manager

Emzy: Okay cool!

WOW....that's all I have to say about that.

And just to top it all off, when they got back to the hospital, they got stuck in a revolving door. Somehow, I'm not at all surprised.

The One Where Emzy Went to Target

So the title of this blog post really isn't all that surprising. Cause anyone who knows anything about Emzy knows that she goes to Target. A lot. She even has a route through the store. And heaven help you if you go along and throw off the groove. It's bad news.

But this trip to Target was exceptionally ridiculous...even by Emzy standards. She was on a night off from camp with Barry, an international staff member she may or may not be romantically involved with. As they were walking into the store, Barry stopped and pointed to the door frame. Perched there on the corner was a bright blue and green and red parrot-ish bird, just chilling.

With absolutely no idea what to do, Em put Barry in charge of keeping an eye on the bird and she went to talk to the Target customer service. I mean, what exactly do you say in a situation like this? "Umm, excuse me? I just wanted to let someone know that there's an exotic looking bird hanging out on your front door." Well, it went something like that. And the freckled-face 17 year old kid behind the counter responded by handing her a box to keep it in.

The obvious explanation was that this guy had somehow escaped from PetSmart down the street. So off they went, bird in tow. Since PetSmart was closed, they could only enter through the grooming appointments door. And they were greeted by an extra-friendly store associate who informed them rather gruffly that the store was closed and they couldn't be there. When they explained that they thought they had found an escaped animal, the lady showed a bit more interest.

Upon further brief examination (and by further brief examination I mean a quick glance) she told Emzy and Barry that it was a lovebird, that it wasn't from the store, and that they couldn't leave it there. Do things like this happen when Emzy isn't involved....like in real life? I doubt it.

So then I get a phone call while back at camp asking me to look up the number for and call the Frederick County animal control. And since I'm good at doing what I'm told, I called and reported the lost lovebird. I was informed by animal control that it was very unusual to find one lovebird without its mate. That's how they got their name, after all. But can you just imagine how weird my phone call was? "Um, hi, my name's Bekah, and I'm calling to report that my sister (who, by the way, is 30 miles away from me) found this random lovebird by itself at the Target and has absolutely no idea what to do with it but can tell that it doesn't belong there on its own."

So yeah, it was odd. But this is life. Specifically, this is life with Emzy.

The One Where Emzy Didn't Have Anthrax

If you've ever had the pleasure of meeting her, you know good and well that my beloved sister Emzy tends to live life on the dramatic side. For instance, she recently developed a seasonal cough that I attribute to humidity and changing seasons. But of course, she insisted that she has the beginning of tuberculosis. I am sure this is because we discussed the various avenues of TB testing today at breakfast (you know, the little six-needled stamp vs. the sub-epidermal bubble).

The proclamation of her impending doom reminded me of a conversation she and I had about this time last year. It was in the middle of the media hype over the swine...I mean H1N1...flu epidemic. I was Google-Chatting her from work back in Indiana and it went something like this:

Me: So, Em, with all this talk on the news I keep waiting for you to call me and tell me you have the swine.

Emzy: lol...any day now, I'm sure!

Me: You know, just like you had West Nile, and the bird flu, and SARS, and Anthrax

Emzy: Hey, I never had Anthrax!